Women Lose in Marriage When they Marry for Love.
Once upon a time, I wanted to put on a gorgeous blush pink gown, walk down a long isle decorated in white Lilly petals, link hands with the love of my life and say “I do”. Like most women, I imagined the best day of my life would be to marry the love of my life and grow old together, sharing 50+ years of traveling, experiencing life together, and endless happiness.
“If you’re a man, you should probably get married, if you’re a woman, don’t bother”.
These are the words of behavioral scientist Paul Dolan, who wrote the book, Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myth of the Perfect Life, In which he dispels the fairy tail myth and gives empirical insights on the realities of marriage for women. Although his book is controversial as he apparently misinterpreted data from the telephone interviews; That doesn’t mean that his points about expectations being vastly different from the reality due to both poor management of those expectations AND what society sells women aren’t true. Through my experiences with married people, almost going through with it myself, the history of marriage in western culture, and sociological reasons, i’m more inclined to believe the above quote than not.
What is marriage, really?
Simply put: for women, marriage is there to measure your proximity to the government. That’s it.
However, in the Victorian and post Victorian eras, children and family life became a focus of mass marketing and commercialization. In my learned opinion, the ideals of marriage changed because the ideas surrounding the roles of children and their place changed to be more of the nurturing relationship we see today, as opposed to the utilitarian focus prior. With that shift, so began the shift to a need based love culture surrounding marriage and why women today marry for love. Generally speaking, pre-Victorian marriages were resource based and strategic, relegating women to property status. Not to say that all marriages used to be this way but i’m sure we’re smart enough to understand exceptions don’t make the rule.
Marriage is also a business contract. You need a license to wed just like you would if you were opening a store of sorts, as you are entering into a new legal relationship. Marriage also affects your individual legal rights. Prenups and the like are just contracts. To dissolve the contracts you need the law and the government to be involved in that process. At it’s core and conception, marriage isn’t terribly romantic; and as my aunt who is both a lawyer and law professor told me, “Don’t marry anyone you wouldn’t go into business with”.
So what happens when the love is gone?
My number one reason against women marrying for love is quite simple; It’s a poor strategic decision.
The current divorce statistic is around 40–50%; If you choose to enter into a marriage there is about a 1 in 2 chance of it ending. Unfortunately, many american women go into marriage with the “It won’t be me” mindset because they are so in love with their future spouse and couldn’t imagine not being that way. However, the reality is, the honey moon phase generally ends and overtime the love doesn’t necessarily fade, it changes in a way that most women aren’t prepared for. Which likely explains why two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women in a marriage; but in every other relationship, there is no gender difference. Women are often sold the idea of a marriage being a relationship of complete vulnerability, and that you will be marrying your best friend and that is how it’s suppose to be. In fact, studies show that the reasons for women initiating divorce is due to a lower satisfaction than their husband’s during the marriage.
When women go into marriage with only love and the happy ending in mind, it not only leaves them vulnerable emotionally but financially as well. This type of thinking can lead women (specifically black women)to make poor financial decisions in men. If a woman does not take a man’s finances into account going into a marriage, upon a divorce, (which is generally due to infidelity of the partner), she will not only be liable for her own emotional damage, dealing with the still persistent societal shaming and view of divorced women, children, and other fallout; If her husband makes less, she is liable for both spousal support and child support (See the woman who now supports her ex-husband’s pornography habit with her alimony). On the flip side, if a woman marries a man who is the financial breadwinner and she does not move strategically, she may be left with much less than she deserves. Once divorced, women are probably happier but are left with more of the after effects and burdens of a divorce.
Women almost always do more work in a marriage.
In a heterosexual marriage, there is not really a such thing as a 50/50 relationship, especially if the couple has kids. In fact studies show that women who are married to men do more housework than single mothers. Since marriage for love and the idea of marriage equality are extremely new in the scheme of the institution, it’s no surprise that even modern marriages reinforce gender roles.
Think of it this way, say you are at a family gathering and a relative asks you to hold their newborn baby and suddenly the baby starts to cry. I bet eight to nine times out ten you will look around for the baby’s mother to hand them to. The assumption in our society is that the mother is mainly responsible for the child’s well-being, while husbands and fathers are praised for simply just being present. Women, historically being the keepers of cultures are expected to plan the parties, know and send the birthday cards, remind you to call your mother etc. and putting forth the emotional labor unassigned to the husband. In short, women in addition to working the same hours as their husbands, also bear the burden of child-rearing, household chores, and emotional labor of the entire family unit.
Most of the married women I know are at best coasting.
Since 2018, I’ve had about 3 jobs. As most young people who enter into the work-force know, most of the other women (and people in general), are 35 and older. In my case, I mainly worked in HR and the service and non-profit industries, so most of my coworkers were, and are women. I’d say that most are currently married and some divorced, with a few who never married and were childless. Although anecdotal, I feel strongly that actually talking and getting to know people is both a lot more productive and interesting than anything you can read in a journal.
The married women, although not necessarily unhappy, I couldn’t say were happy with their lives either. I understand that happiness is fleeting and the need to chase it is a very western, naive view but I have seen couples married for long periods of time genuinely(at least to me) satisfied with life and each other. There were very few women who outright spoke of their unhappiness, that was usually awkwardly overheard in restrooms. However, the women who just seem to have resigned themselves to something that visibly takes a toll on them is really why I decided to write this article.
On the flip side, the unmarried women were either not happy about it, or living their best lives, extremely vibrant and happy, and even when stressed out were still very bubbly. There really wasn’t an in between. Same with the divorced women.
No, I don’t hate marriage…or men.
In June of 2019, I watched one of my childhood best friends marry her High School sweetheart and I couldn’t be happier for her. Shoot, had the universe decided differently, I’d be walking down the isle this August and would absolutely get married again.
I am also not trying to talk women out of getting married, it’s nearly impossible. These are just my opinions and observations based on my limited time on earth, as well as my studies and interpersonal interactions. I just want more women to be smart, manage their expectations, and go into it without the rose colored glasses and with the most important person in mind…Themselves.
*I also did not include LGBT marriages as I am not well versed on the topic.*